Perfect
by r2roswell
Summary: Statistics show that women are most prevalent when it comes to self-injury but it is also said there are few men who succumb to it. Ricky Underwood is one of those few.
1. Author's Note

Title: Perfect

Written By: RAM Productions

Rated: T/M

Summary: Statistics show that women are most prevalent when it comes to self-injury but it is also said there are few men who succumb to it. Ricky Underwood is one of those few.

Takes place in the episode, 'That's Enough of That' however this is an AU (alternate universe) type of thing in which as far as the case goes where Amy was pregnant, Amy did let Ricky help when he committed himself to being involved and they're keeping the baby. Amy also doesn't hate Ricky.

**Warning:**** I go into real depth emotions and detail/romanticize when it comes to this subject of self-injury. Just writing it made me miss the days of when I used to do it so it is triggering. Use extreme caution if you decide to read it.**


	2. Security

**1.) Security **

Ricky Underwood stood looking Adrian directly in the eye. "You want to get to know me," he asked, "You wanna know who I really am?" Adrian looked at him and he found his answer so he looked at her harder, "_The reason I'm in foster care is not just because my dad smacked me around and smacked my mom around, it's not just because they were both drug addicts and abandoned me over and over again, it's because my dad used to come home after a long day of hanging out and getting high to teach me a little lesson in how hard it is to be a man in this world, that's what he called it: a little lesson._

_Every night I'd be in bed with my door closed just begging God that he wouldn't come in my room for one of his little lessons but night after night after night there he was."_

Adrian looked at Ricky with tears in her eyes. She cupped Ricky's face even as he tried to pull back. "_Ricky, I'm so sorry_," she said to him, "_Let me help you okay? I can talk to my dad, he can help you_."

Ricky shook his head releasing himself from Adrian's sympathy, "_No one can help me_," he replied back to her and with shame and guilt in his heart he turned and walked away.

Ricky got in his car not even knowing that Adrian's father had been watching him from across the parking lot.

He pulled out and began driving, not home but anywhere. It was late at night which was perfect. Ricky made his way to the parking lot at the beach. Anger and pain still ripped out his insides and talking was out of the question since that had all ready made things worse for him.

Ricky reached in his glove compartment, so much stuff but his hands finally reached what he was searching for. He grabbed the tiny box and made his way towards the beach. The only lights came from street corners and from the moon above, enough lighting for what needed to get done.

He found a spot on the beach and took his shoes off and let the salt water near the edge wash over them. Taking off his shirt, he placed it aside and then reached in for the tool that lay in the box. The blade sliced through him in a swift, relaxing motion.

'A little deeper,' he told himself.

Ricky forced the blade in further. Not even sex could compare to this kind of erotic feeling, it was like true ecstasy but without the need and complications of a partner. Ricky brought the blade back and looked at it. In the darkness the only thing that could be seen was colors of black and white but he knew he had done it. The cut was perfect, three inches at the least. He could feel the coolness of blood trace along his back.

He looked down to his feet and though soaked, he moved his feet back from the edge, dried them off with his thrown shirt and began making his incisions. Blood began to flow and he took a deep breath.

Though the problems of what his life had become were still there he took relief knowing that at least this pain was something he could control. He felt satisfied but not fully, no matter how many times he drew blood it never did seem like enough. He had heard of those stupid vampire tales where the human body never seemed to have enough blood in them and though he wasn't drinking it, blood was still spilt and even that seemed like nothing.

Ricky looked down at his feet, reality, for some stupid reason, starting to sink in.

'I'm not ready to go back yet,' Ricky said to himself. He placed his feet back in the water, not caring that they would burn once the salt reached them. The pain of that and the pain of the cuts were better than dealing with the pain of reality.

He continued to soak his feet until they felt entirely burnt. Picking up his shoes and shirt he got up, threw away the blade in a nearby trashcan and made his way to his car. In the trunk he always carried a first aid kit just in case situations called for it.

Once bandaged up, he put his shirt and shoes on and made his way home.

Disclaimer: I do not own the opening sequence. Needed for story.


	3. Things I'll Never Say

**2.) Things I'll Never Say**

Adrian saw Ricky enter the school and despite how things had turned out last night she was still thrilled to see him. Ricky on the other hand sighed not ready to face her. He instead looked up and walked back out of the school.

"Hey sport," said Bob Underwood. "Not ditching school now are we?"

Ricky stepped back. "What the fuck are you doing here hu?"

"What, its career day, all parents welcome."

"And what's yours hu, working in the prison system?"

Bob laughed, "You know kid, I'm gonna let that one slide only because it's been a while since we've seen each other." Bob smiled. "Speaking of kids, how's that grand baby of mine doing? Wanna make sure it's healthy enough before we let that nice couple adopt him."

Ricky huffed and went after Bob but Bob was too quick, he grasped Ricky's hand just as Ricky was about to throw his blow.

Bob shook his head, "When are you gonna learn boy, you can't hurt me."

Though a little weak on his left side from last night's activities Ricky made a path towards Bob's right side catching him right in the gut leaving Bob a little breathless and allowing him to lose his grip. Ricky took that opportunity to punch Bob in the face.

"I've learned a lot more than you think."

"Whoa, hey," said Mr. Molina who had just witnessed the encounter. "Ricky, my office now." Ricky just continued to stare at Bob. "Ricky, now! Mr. Underwood, you'd better leave before I call security."

"Guess we'll have to do career day some other time. See you around Rick."

Ricky took a deep breath and looked around. Apparently Mr. Molina wasn't the only one to have witnessed the altercation.

"Do you want to tell me what that was about before I call your parents," Mr. Molina asked in the closed office with blinds down.

Ricky just had his arms crossed.

"I'm willing to sit here all day."

"Aren't you busy?"

"Nothing too important that can't be pushed back and I'm sure the faculty will understand why I miss a couple of meetings today but I'm pretty sure you don't want to be stuck in a room with a boring old counselor all day either."

Ricky looked at Mr. Molina, "You know what's in my file. Put the pieces together."

"He's your father isn't he?"

Ricky nodded. "My foster parents got a restraining order where he can't be within 500 feet but Bob isn't the type to follow those types of things."

"That must be pretty difficult for you."

"Ya think."

"How does Bob make you feel, Ricky?"

Ricky laughed, "How does he make me feel, what do you think? It's not all rainbows and butterflies."

"I understand that, I'm just trying to get a better understanding of your state of mind. Stuff like this, it's not easy to overcome and it can affect our daily lives."

"And what would you know about it? Just because you're a counselor doesn't mean you know shit about my life."

"You'd be surprised. You're not alone Ricky."

"Yeah that's what they always say but no matter how many times they say it in the end it's just you in front of the guy's fist."

"Ricky, how long have you been in therapy?"

"Since I was put in foster care."

"Has it helped?"

Ricky laughed, "Not really."

"What does?"

"You really want the answer to that?"

"Yeah I do."

"All right, sex helps."

"That's all just sex?" Ricky just shrugged. "And what about Amy or your unborn child?"

"You know what," said Ricky, "If all you called me in here for was to talk then I think we're done. You're not my therapist so I shouldn't really be talking to you about anything or how I'm feeling or about Bob or whatever."

"If that's how you want it then I can respect that."

Ricky just got up and went to the door.

"Ricky, be careful."

"Whatever."

Ricky made his way towards the other building away from Mr. Molina's office and into the men's room.

He found a freshman in there with pants unzipped.

"Get out," Ricky said.

"I haven't even washed my hands yet," said the freshman.

"There's hand sanitizer across the school, use one of those, now out."

The freshman didn't want to cross Ricky. He had been one of the witnesses to his attack earlier. He ran out of the room zipping up as he went. Ricky checked the stalls to make sure no one was in there and then checked the door to make sure that no one would come in. With his right fist he slammed it into a wall near the sink.

Lunch was only in a few minutes and that's exactly how much time it would take for him to get in his car. Just as he did the lunch bell rang and Adrian and Jack were close behind him. Ricky got in his car and revved up the engine, locking the doors too but he wasn't as quick with pulling out as he would've liked. Adrian was knocking on the window leaving Ricky the only option of opening it.

"Get away Adrian," he said not looking at her.

"Ricky please, don't do this, come hang out with us, we can talk."

"I'm sick of talking! Just go away."

"Come on man," said Jack. "Can't you see we're just trying to help?"

"I didn't ask for anyone's help now back off!"

Rick made sure there wasn't anyone behind him and he started to pull out of the parking lot closing the window as he did so. He could see Adrian's tears in the rear view mirror but they didn't matter to him. The only thing that mattered was getting another fix and he couldn't do it surrounded by people who supposedly cared so he drove, hopeful to find a secluded place where no one would question him.


	4. Painful Memories

**3.) Painful Memories**

As much as he wanted them to the tears couldn't stop flowing down Ricky's face. This was ridiculous, not that he believed in the whole macho thing where men shouldn't cry but the whole day had been like this, it had been this way since Bob showed up. This only made Ricky cry even harder given the memories that flooded his mind when he felt his own tears.

"Damn it boy," Bob said to a five year old Ricky Underwood. "Suck it up. Boys don't cry you hear me?" Smack! Little Ricky cried more. Bam, went Bob's boot as he kicked Ricky. "Stop it or I swear my boot will be up your ass next time."

Ricky took a deep breath trying to hold in his tears. Even at this age he knew that his father was high. For as long as his five year old could remember, probably since before he was born drugs had been a constant item in the house. At five he knew to flush them and that only made Bob angrier. Bob was high now which only made things worse.

Bob picked up Ricky from the floor. "You want something to cry about, I'll give you something to cry about. I'll teach you a little lesson in how hard it is to be a man in this world, and then maybe you'll learn something."

Ricky cried out to his mother who was sitting lopsided on the couch, calling her, wanting her to make him stop but she couldn't. She had gotten too drunk to even feel anything that Bob dished out at her or her son.

The bedroom slammed with Bob locking the door.

Ricky screamed out in his car. He looked over to the bloody blade that he had just used on his left arm. More cuts than usual but that didn't matter to him, the count never mattered. What did matter was just at how far he could go to escape the terrible things trapped in his mind. If he could he would rip himself out of his body but that wasn't possible unless you were dead and Ricky wasn't one for suicide no matter how much the pain tore at him. He had a child on the way now and he had to be strong.

'How can I be,' he asked knowing that being strong meant putting the child's needs before his own. He knew he was being selfish, putting his pain above all else but there was no other escape. He had seen how drugs and alcohol had affected his parents and he didn't want that kind of life for his own child nor did he want that kind of self destructive behavior for himself.

Was his cutting genetic? Though his parents did alcohol and drugs, he had on occasion seen the scars on his mothers' wrists and for men drugs and alcohol were the "preferred" method of self destructive behavior. As for it actually being genetic, this Ricky did not know. Much of the research could neither prove one side or another. Not that his own parents problems mattered to him, he stopped caring for them the moment he stopped feeling like a human being.

A six year old Ricky Underwood lay in his bedroom. He had been asleep for only a few hours when his father slammed the door of their house. Ricky hid under his blankets. There was a note on the table that Bob clearly found which made him pound his fist. Nora was busy in her room. She wasn't fast enough though. Bob slammed the door to their master bedroom but that didn't block out the noise.

"You leaving me woman, that what you're doing?"

"No of course not Bob,"

Smack! "Don't lie to me woman, no one leaves you got that? I own you just like I own the boy."

"Bob leave our son out of this, please." Smack!

"Do you even give a damn how much I do for this family?"

"Oh please, all you do is sit on your ass and hang out. You're not a teenager anymore Bob, get over yourself." Smack!

"Like you're any better. Look at you, you're high."

"And you're drunk." Bam!

"You want out so bad, then get the hell out but leave the kid."

"No, I won't."

"Leave now, I swear to God woman if you don't you won't wake up tomorrow."

Nora quickly grabbed her bag, "I love you, Ricky," she whispered.

"God," Ricky said silently, "If you're listening please make him stop. I'll do anything you want, just don't let him come into my room tonight. Please God, tell me you're really there. Make this stop!"

It didn't take long for Bob to come into Ricky's room. Ricky held tightly onto his covers hoping he was at least that strong but to no avail. He knew what was coming and the tears couldn't help but form.

"God help me," Ricky said.

Bob laughed, "It's just you and me boy, God can't help you."

More tears streamed down Ricky's face making Bob laugh again before getting serious.

"It's time for another little lesson," he said, "Women are dispensable, never forget that."

Bob closed the door and held his son's mouth as he always did so he wouldn't scream.


	5. An Unexpected Ear

**4.) An Unexpected Ear**

"Anything," Grace asked.

School had only one period to go before it let out and during that time during classes Adrian, Grace, Ben, and even Jack had been trying to get a hold of Ricky.

"No nothing," Adrian asked. "I'm really worried about him."

"Worried about who," Amy asked from being.

Adrian just rolled her eyes. Grace however was more casual.

"Ricky, didn't you see him this morning?"

"No," replied Amy, "I had a doctor's appointment."

"Oh," Grace replied, "Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine," said Amy. "So what exactly happened with Ricky?"

"He just freaked out," said Adrian, "Nothing you should be concerned about though."

"If it involves the father of my child I have every right to be concerned."

Adrian just rolled her eyes again. She hated Amy and worse she hated the fact that Amy was the girl of all people who was carrying Ricky's baby. That should have been her baby, maybe not now but certainly in the future.

"Ricky's dad showed up and Ricky went for him, punched him twice and everything."

"Is Ricky okay," Amy asked feeling a genuine concern for him.

"We don't know, we've all tried to call him but he won't answer."

Amy pulled out her cell phone.

"What are you doing," Adrian asked in a mean tone. Amy ignored her and began to walk off. "He's not gonna answer you just because you're having his baby."

Adrian turned back to Grace. "What?"

"That wasn't nice," said Grace.

"Oh please like I care."

"I think you have to care otherwise why be in a relationship with Ricky. Amy's not going away."

Adrian smiled. "We'll see."

Ricky had his seat reclined and his eyes closed. He heard a knock on his window. Freaked out he made sure the doors were locked but it turned out to be George Juergens. George pretended not to notice the bloody blades on the passenger seat.

Ricky sighed heavily and got out of the car.

"What are you doing here Mr. Juergens?"

"Amy called, said she was worried about you." George motioned towards Ricky's arm which he had completely forgotten to bandage, "I can see why."

Ricky ignored his arm, "Amy should mind her own business."

"Hey take it easy. People are just concerned about that's all. You know believe it or not, it is a good thing for people to care. It means you matter to them."

"I wish I didn't, it would be so much easier."

"I bet, especially since you wouldn't have people asking about your recent activities," George said referring to the cutting. Before Ricky could say something George put up a hand in defense, "Hey I don't judge. I've got girls, I know how messed up they can be sometimes. I mean look at Amy."

Ricky couldn't help but smile at that last remark since George was right about that. Amy Juergens. Ricky had known who she was before Amy even got to band camp. She was the good girl, living in a good home, who never did stupid things or rather was never irresponsible.

"You need help cleaning those up," George asked.

Ricky looked down at the blood seeping through his long sleeve shirt. "No it's okay, I've got it."

"Good," George said shivering. "Blood makes me squeamish."

"You're kidding."

"Nope, wish I was."

"But you have two daughters."

"Yeah but I stayed near my wife's head both times and didn't look at my girls until after they were cleaned up."

It didn't take long for Ricky to bandage himself up. He even threw away his tools. If need be he could always get new ones.

"Might I make a suggestion," George asked as he and Ricky started walking along the beach.

"Quit what you're doing."

"I can't."

"How long you been doing that stuff anyways?"

"Since I was thirteen."

"Wow, I can see why it's hard to stop but at least try."

"I have, it's not that easy. Every time I think I'm getting away from the blade it just seeps back in when things take a turn for the worse."

"Life isn't easy but you've got to think about your baby now Ricky. Someday he or she will see your scars and will ask you about them. What are you going to say?"

"I don't know I hadn't thought that far ahead."

"Well start thinking about it. That baby is gonna be hear sooner than you know it. Look I know your parents screwed you over and I'm deeply sorry about that. No one should have to go through what you went through. Son, it's time you try to put things into perspective. What kind of father do you want to be to your son or daughter? Think real hard on that." George shrugged, "Who knows, maybe it might give you the strength you need to stop punishing yourself. Think about it Ricky."

George started to walk back to his car leaving Ricky to stop and ponder on the things he had just been told.


	6. This is Home

**5.) This is Home**

The next day, Saturday, though Ricky had yet to return any of the calls from Adrian, Grace, Ben, and Jack nor did he even see them or drop by their houses, there was one place that was high on his list.

Ricky knocked on the front door that evening.

"Ricky," said Mrs. Juergens.

"Hi Mrs. Juergens, I was wondering if I could talk to Amy."

"Of course, come in." Ricky did so, "Amy," Anne called out. It only took a few seconds for Amy to come into the living room.

"Hi," Ricky said.

"Hey," Amy said shyly. "Are you okay?"

Ricky placed his hands in his pockets as he and Amy made their way to the living room. "I guess," he said.

"Everyone was worried about you yesterday."

"I know. I'm sorry I worried you. I know you don't need that stress right now, I know it's not good for the baby."

"Our son is perfectly fine."

"Son," Ricky said with a small smile.

"Yeah," Amy said smiling back. "That's what my doctor's appointment was for." Amy could see the tears starting to form in Ricky's eyes. "Hey what's wrong?"

"Nothing, this is the news I needed. Thanks Amy." Amy just smiled and Ricky composed himself. "I promise I'm gonna do better. Our son deserves better and I'm gonna do my best to give it to him."

"I know you will and if you need me I'm always here."

"Do me a favor?"

"Anything."

"I made an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, come with me." The tears started flowing again but Ricky didn't care. Men could cry and if there was belief to the contrary then so be it, there were sensitive men out there and underneath all the scars there had always been a sensitive man. "I don't think I can get through this without you," Ricky said after managing to gather himself.

Amy took Ricky's hand and placed it on her stomach. This had been new territory for her. She had never let anyone touch her stomach, not even her own family but somehow this felt right.

"We're not going anywhere."

Ricky smiled as he felt his son kick. Amy smiled back and then Ricky did what was least expected of him, he took Amy in a tight embrace and Amy let Ricky release all the pain he had bottled up inside and more specifically the pain that had been with him these past few days.

**END.**


End file.
